I don’t get a lot of spam in my email account coz, quite frankly, the spam filters at Gmail are darn effective. But once in a while one gets through and one of the quirky things I do for fun is reply to these spam mails. Bigger penis? Let me have it! More women? Order me a dozen! Fake Rolexes that look exactly like the real thing? Please, you don’t even have to ask.
I’ve been doing this for years but over time, I’ve noticed that the amount of people who actually reply to my replies have dwindled a bit. Once I used to have regular correspondence with scammers. It almost became part of my “office work”, as far as I was concerned. But lately I haven’t been giving my spam mail the attention it deserves so when I saw this recent message that somehow leaked through the Gmail filters, I leaped at the chance to talk to these blessed good Samaritans who were just aching to make me wealthy beyond my wildest dreams.
This was the mail I got:
On Tue, Sep 22, 2009 at 7:57 PM, THE SENATE HOUSE <email@example.com> wrote:
This is to officially inform you that(ATM Card Number 4278763100030014)has been accredited with your favor.Your Personal Identification Number is 822.The ATM Card Value is $6.8MILLIONUSD.You are advised to contact Mrs Linda Hill via Email:firstname.lastname@example.org)with the following information’s;
Mr David Mark.
Direct Tell: +234-705-818-1696
I immediately shot off a reply:
Send the money soon.
She sent me back a reply that was a copy of the earlier mail, asking for my details again. I decided to ignore it and replied by simply asking: “Thanks for the prompt reply. When will I receive the money?” She must have figured I was a bit thick so she sent me a proper reply this time:
Thanks for your email, in sequel to that you are advice to make payment for the delivery fee of your package via Western union Money Transfer,The Delivery fees is $50.
Right now we have concluded the delivery arrangement with FEDEX Express Delivery, so you will have to proceed with the payment for the delivery fee of your package so that we can conclude this transaction once and for all upon your meeting up with the requirement and statutory of the FEDEX Express Delivery Courier company.
Find below the payment information you will use in other for you to make the payment for the delivery fee via Western Union Money Transfer for easy pick up by the receiver, after the confirmation of your payment your ATM CARD will be delivered to your address Within the next 24 hours after your payment confirmation, your package will arrive your address and you can start making withdrawals immediately because the card has be configured in your name and you can make a maximum withdrawal of US$1500 daily from any ATM machine in your country.. Just proceed with the payment for all is well.
Receiver First Name : Ufuoma
Receiver Last Name : Obogariemu
Address : No. 37 Marine Road Apapa, Lagos Nigeria.
Test Question : Best Colour?
Answer : Blue.
Amount Payable : US$50
After making the payment via Western Union Money Transfer, do well to email me the following sender information’s,
Sender Full Name
Sender Phone Number
Money Transfer Control Number (10 Digits) :
I look forward hearing from you soonest with the all the requested information’s above.Please note that there is no deduction of funds from the ATM CARD because it has already issued. If you cannot pay the fees then declined the email,The ATM CARD is sealed with a hardware Government policy which nobody can access beside you. We don’t accept COD.Once your payment is confirmed you will get the card within the next 24 hours.
Mrs. Linda Hill
Mr. DAVID MARK
Aha! So now we were getting somewhere. But even so, I wasn’t convinced that I wasn’t just having a correspondence with an automated system. I decided to find out:
Just deduct the 50 from the amount I’m getting. I don’t mind. So how soon will you send my brand new ATM Card?
I got an almost immediate reply:
“i am very sorry the card is sealed with policy with some certificate attach to it. so i am really sorry you will have to try and send the money so that you can get your card as soon as possible. That the only option we have now.”
Well that wasn’t too bad. This seemed like a real person. It could get interesting. But before I could send a reply, I found that she had sent me a message via the Google chat app. My day brightened up considerably:
Mrs Linda: hello. how are you?
AzMyst: i’m good
Mrs Linda: ok
AzMyst: how r u?
AzMyst: are you ok?
Mrs Linda: sorry
AzMyst: i asked how you were
Mrs Linda: i am fine. why did you want us to deduct from the card i am really sorry we cant
AzMyst: why not?
Mrs Linda: i saw your email i just reply
AzMyst: it’s only $50
Mrs Linda: i am sorry we can not
AzMyst: but whynot? You could do this as a personal favour to me. i don’t think we even have this money transfer thing here
Mrs Linda: i know you might be thinking i am joking right? any i am not
AzMyst: joking? no. of course not. why would i think you’re joking. money is serious business. i need it. you have it
Mrs Linda: you have to send the delivery fees to the FedEx company so that you can get your card
AzMyst: can’t i pay them when they get here?
Mrs Linda: thats policy we have to follow instruction
AzMyst: ok good, then follow my instructions. Just pay the delivery fees to them on my behalf I’ll reimburse you when I have the money.
Mrs Linda: there is no way you can get it. if the money is not sent
AzMyst: so i’ll pay them when they get here with my card
Mrs Linda: is not possible. you will have to pay b4 they can deliver any package to you
AzMyst: but this money transfer thing is so unreliable in this country
Mrs Linda: i understand your pains now. listen i am giving you my word
AzMyst: and I believe you. Absolutely. You don’t look like the kind of person who will lie to me. But look, i really need this card. could you do me a favour and pay the $50 to the Fexed company
Mrs Linda: as soon as they confirm your payment they will send you the tracking number
AzMyst: I can confirm tot them that u will pay for me. i give you my word I will pay you back somehow. you can send me your address or something. scout’s honour
Mrs Linda: i am sorry i am only do my duty by giving you more info
AzMyst: oh wait, I was never a scout. Anyway. please have a heart
Mrs Linda: i cant help you with that sorry
AzMyst: i really need the card. i promise cross my heart and hope to die
Mrs Linda: then you have to get the money and send it
AzMyst: i will send you the money in an envelope by post even. yeah, when i get my atm card i will send you $100! you have 50 for yourself. so what do you say? Be smart. you’ll have my undying gratitude
Mrs Linda: i am sorry this is not I can do
AzMyst: comon please. it’s only 50. i’m only asking coz i don’t trust our money transfer people here. people are always complaining that their money disappears
Mrs Linda: i understand but you will have to trust me in this thats all i can say for now
AzMyst: i do trust you. Absolutely. I always trust random unknown people I meet online. It’s just one of those things I can’t help. that’s why i’m asking you to pay the delivery charges. so that i can get my card. then i can pay you back double
AzMyst: ok fine I’ll give you $200. how about that? will you do it for $200?
Mrs Linda: i am sorry i cant
AzMyst: ok fine
AzMyst: wait. name your price
AzMyst: when i get the 6.8 million dollars i am willing to give you a large amount
Mrs Linda: i dont need any money
AzMyst: what do you mean you don’t need any money!>?! everybody needs money. how about 1million? i can live with 5.8 million so i am willing to transfer 1 million to you if you do this for me. come on please. i really need this money
AzMyst: i don’t think i’ve ever even seen a million dollars in one place in my life. i have eight children and five wives a giraffe and two cats that I need to care for. One of the wives she needs regular physiotherapy. please
AzMyst: i’m beggin gyou. also need to buy an expensive treadmill for giraffe coz there’s no room in my house for it to take its regular walks.
Mrs Linda: i dont need money ok. dont force me cos i wouldnt take
AzMyst: Did I mention the sick giraffe?
Mrs Linda: yes you did
AzMyst: what about the two dead kittens. i need money to give them a proper burial.
Mrs Linda: what kittens
AzMyst: you must need money think of what you can do with 1 million. i bet its more than you get at your current job. besides i;m not forcing u.
AzMyst: 1 million. no questions asked, if you do this one small favour for me. it’s only $50. pleeeeeeeeeeease
Mrs Linda: i am ok with the one i have. do you realise that i am a married woman. so stop saying this thing. i dont meed it
AzMyst: what has you being married got to do with it? i am a married man too. We could go on double dates if u like. once two wives and three dogs are out of the hospital we can all go to an expensive vacation. u can take ur husband. Or not *wink* but right now my wife needs to pay her hospital fees. i’m almost broke. i need the 6.8 million dollars in my card. Its mine. u can’t keep it from me. i will complain to the united nations.
Mrs Linda: i’m not interesting in vactions.
AzMyst: I will call the FBI. And the CIA. And Anni. Maybe even Umaru naseer..
Mrs Linda: what is Anni?
AzMyst: never mind that. please help me. you’re the only who can
Mrs Linda: so i have told you i dont need it
AzMyst: ok what do you need? just tell me. you must need something everybody needs something
Mrs Linda: i need you to pay the money so that you can get your card deliver to you thats all i need
AzMyst: and i need you to pay the small amount for me so i can get the card. it’s nothing for you
i will pay you back. you have my word on that. u can trust me. Linda, can I call u linda… I feel a special connection to u. maybe its fate that we met like this. How old are u? u aren’t bisexual r u.
Mrs Linda: i am really sorry if thats all you have to say. i may say you are disturbing. when you are ready you know where to find me
AzMyst: please. How long have u been married? I can provide other services if ur not interested in money. i’m a very well endowed guy, if u know what I mean *wink*
Mrs Linda: please stop u r disturbing me now
AzMyst: how can i be disturbing you? i’m asking for a simple favour
AzMyst: Please Mrs Linda Linda… can I call you Linda.
AzMyst: Linda please, have a heart. i’m not asking for much. just a small favour. And you won’t be losing anything
AzMyst: pwetty please with honey and biscuits. please
Mrs is not available to chat
And with that she was gone. And here I was just getting warmed up. Sigh. Anyway, I thought it would be rude to leave without a parting message at least so I sent her an email again:
Please Linda… I will be in your debt forever if you do this for me. Please pay the delivery fees for me. It’s not much at all. Please. I hope you will come to your senses and reconsider my offer. Think of my sick wife and kids. 😦
Much to my surprise she sent a reply around two hours later:
the only way i can consider you is to allow you to send $35. i will talk to them about the rest so that when you get the card you can give them the balance are you ok with that?
I waited for a while to see if she would get online again for a further chat. She didn’t. Must have blocked me or something. So I sent her a reply in email again.
Thank you thank you thank you somuch. Once I have the card I will send you your $35. And a bonus if you want. Whatever you want *wink*, if u know what I mean. *wink* *wink* I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if I add a couple of hundred to the $35 I owe you. Plus some nude pics of me 🙂 I think you will find them very interesting. Thank you again. You are an angel. (And I hope a really hot MILF) Can you send me some naked pictures of yourself when you reply? Thanks in advance.
For some strange reason, I haven’t heard from her (or him) again.